Journal Entry December 24, 2012
Today when I woke up I did not immediately HATE the day. Loath and dread, yes. But not despise. I knew I had a lot to accomplish…wrap the gifts (which in itself is not a massive chore, as I have such little money to afford anything special for anybody this year); finish making my sister’s bracelet; toast the almonds for the salad I am bringing for Christmas dinner…to me, this is an overwhelming amount of activity. That doesn’t include bathing, or bathing, brushing, and trimming my wee doggie.
I don’t think I will go to Mom’s for Xmas eve dinner, movie and a sleepover tonight. I know I won’t get everything I need to get done before their 6 PM supper commences. I will spend the night at home with my pets. I must NOT sleep until I am finished all that I have to do. That will be the hardest part of my evening to accomplish, as the sofa calls to me, promising a safe haven from my internal storm. At least temporarily. Sleep. An opportunity to escape.
My group is about to start. I am in my fourth week of this six week program. Please may I learn SOMETHING that I can apply to improve the condition of my sorry existence.
In Community Group I learned today that in order to develop self-respect, self-love, and balance within my world I must make baby goals each step I take. Then I must congratulate myself on the completion of each one. One young guy gave the example of choosing one day in the week to read for half an hour. Once he was done and had finished congratulating himself on his achievement, he then could reset that goal, extend it, or make a new goal. For instance, he might now read for 45 minuets on a particular day; or read for half an hour on two prescheduled days.
I have never been one to make goals. I have enough difficulties getting through one day alone, that setting goals for future plans is a moot point. The Future is a black quagmire of swirling hurts and questions. A place that exists to taunt me with a promise I do not deserve. It is a place I have no desire to visit.
I have in the past, however, made lists. Lists of things to buy; lists of chores to do. My problem is that I write too many entries down, and then drown in my attempts to even accomplish one item. Just this morning when I was looking for a notebook for group, I came across two that were dedicated entirely to ‘To Do’ lists.
The truth is, I loath the words ‘To Do’! Just seeing them turns the insides of my stomach around. It’s the same sick, helpless feeling I get when I look around my house and my bedroom and see all of the stacks of books, piles of papers, abandoned bags, and junk that threaten to devour all of the limited free space left within my house. I want to vomit when I see that stuff, and yet I do nothing to alleviate the situation. Instead I get a strangled sensation in my throat; my back and neck tense up until I can barely move my head; and my arms feel like they are going to flail out uncontrollably. I want to wildly strike out at something. At myself. That is the better target. I deserve to be flogged for the state in which I live. I hate the condition my house is in. I hate that I let myself exist in it. I hate that I am unable to change. Myself. I hate myself.
September 18, 2016
I transfer these words today and I am struck with the venom that infuses them. “I hate myself.” Not, “I hate myself and I want to change.” There is hope in that statement. A belief that my reality CAN change, and that I can be an advocate for change in myself. “I hate myself” is a statement unto itself. Period. Yet it is one that commanded my consciousness and corrupted my unconscious moments from my earliest memories. A statement that has imprisoned me and kept me from an existence based in self-respect and love for endless decades.
It is a statement I no longer embrace. Although I have not yet achieved self love at this period in my life, I now know it is a possibility for me. I feel like I am getting closer to it with every passing day. It is just around the corner. Occasionally showing itself to encourage me to stay on my new path. It is almost within my reach. I dedicate myself to discovering it with the knowledge that I DO deserve a fulfilling, rich life. This is a goal I am determined to achieve!