Journal Entry December 27, 2012
I slept all through the 26th. Another day completely gone. Lost. As lost as I am. Whereas many would lament the fact that a day of their life was wasted in useless slumber, I celebrate it. Sleep is the escape that promises a break from the endless pain that self-hate inflicts upon its hapless victim. A chance to be free from the shackles that threaten to squeeze every ounce of life from my body. I have so long endured the agony of this reality that I embrace sleep with open arms.
Today I managed to wake up and get myself to my group for the afternoon sessions. I dragged myself out of bed around noon and realized I had missed my morning classes. It was tempting to crawl back into bed and stay there, shirking all responsibility, but I remembered I had promised my group therapist at my last session before Christmas break that I would attend every day for the rest of the duration of the six week program. I’m not sure why I honoured that promise. In the past, promisees have meant nothing to me. Making them; breaking them. But somehow today it was important that I force myself to go.
This six week program is a course on resiliency and self-care. Why I am attending this group is beyond me. I wish I was no longer on this planet, and here I am going to a group that focuses on developing skills that will keep me here. The irony of the situation is not lost on me. My doctor enrolled me, and being the good little anorexic that I am, I allowed myself AGAIN to be forced into doing something I do not want to do.
I want to die. Why can’t I be walking somewhere and a car smashes into me, ending existence altogether? Any why have I lost the nerve to take my own life? Although my past attempts brought me close to the brink of death, they were obviously unsuccessful. The desire to put an end to my life far outweighed the will to continue. Now the desire is as strong as it ever has been, but I am unable to follow through.
Incompetent. Ridiculously inept. I am an inferior figure bungling my way through life; inadequate in every way. Depression cloaks me in its suffocating folds, and within, an anger burns so white hot it bubbles treacherously under my skin, threatening to burst forth at any moment. The world is sane and I struggle to keep from pummelling myself repeatedly. Just as I beat my face up with a baseball so many years ago in the Toronto Hospital. How could I stray so far away from regular society that I got lost in the desert of self-hate? Who beats themselves up with a baseball? A kaleidoscope of broken bits of time where my sole intent was to hurt myself roll before my eyes. Moments of insanity. A life distinguished by them.
October 2, 2016
I copy these words and my heart is filled with sadness. I was lost and alone in my pain at that time. Pain is an odd thing. In the moment of its inception, it sears through my body and electrocutes my brain so that it is all I know. Day after day after endless day it fills my being with excruciating suffering. Enduring it seems like an impossibility unto itself. But it is the reality that presents itself at the time.
Time is also an odd thing. When I am invested in myself and enjoying each day as it comes, Time whips by in an intoxicating frenzy. When I have struggled to survive and get through one painful day at a time, it crawls across the landscape like a dying animal in the desert drags itself towards a shade that never comes. But Time has a way of moving forward so that realities change inevitably. And as that happens, memories of pain fade.
Until I reread this passage I penned I had forgotten the misery of those days. Despite that fact that Pain was my constant companion back then, accompanying me wherever I went, Time had stepped in and erased the memory of its presence. Of the sensation itself. Much like how I forget the pain I experienced after having had major surgery, once I am fully recovered.
Time has been a friend to me. My pain no longer harasses me on a daily basis. Although I know pain can never be eradicated from my life completely, it no longer rules my existence. I am able to stand on my own in a world I want to be a part of. I am better able to combat adversity when it reaches me. I know that whatever else comes my way, Time will take care of it…and of me.