Journal Entry January 15, 2013

Today I don’t want to be here.  I’m not sure why.  Perhaps I feel impatient and I want to move on.  I am restless, that is true.  But I have nowhere to go.  There is nothing out there for me.  And if there was, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the reality that would be confronting me.  I don’t seem able to manage any aspect of living that presents itself to me.  Instead of meeting a challenge face on, I cower uncontrollably in one spot.  Fear wraps its crippling fingers around my throat and squeezes until my eyes feel like they will burst violently out of their sockets.  My breath becomes ragged and laboured, and I gasp for air in an attempt to control my breathing.  As I fight for my breath, I find myself slowly slipping down and forming a pool of defeat on the floor.  Overcome and fatally fetal.

To date, I have not made any concrete plans about my near future, other than asking P to help me get my resumes out for teaching positions next year.  This in itself is a major step towards rising from the abyss to attempt an approach on Life, one more time.  Without the help of the courses I am taking in the hospital, I would not have been able to even contemplate such a task, let alone face the ensuing repercussions that will come from such an act.  I don’t know when this will occur, but Dr. F said just having asked P shows me and him that I have made a little progress since I began this program.

I wish I shared his enthusiasm.  To counter this, yesterday I spoke with A.  On her volition, we began brainstorming how and who to contact regarding starting a program like the one I am in, within the school system.  She became increasingly excited as her plan began to percolate in her mind.  For me, however, the more we talked the more overwhelmed I became.  I could feel myself sinking into the pit of my stomach, on a feeble raft that would not withstand the enormous waves that were occurring in my gastric juices.  I began to feel physically sick as my tummy churned and the back of my neck got damp.  Beads of sweat began to gather at my hairline, while the sensation of lightheadedness washed over me, leaving me dizzy in my seat.  When I felt like I might pass out, I pushed my chair back abruptly and hastily excused myself.  A seemed surprised, but she let me go.  I rushed to the ladies restroom and locked myself in a stall.  Why is ‘overwhelm’ my ‘go to’ response?  I feel defeated before I even begin anything…everything.  I don’t give myself a chance to even contemplate a, “What if?”  That’s not exactly true.  But the, “What if’s?” I ponder about all have to do with failing.  And I really don’t have to think about that at all.  I know I can fail…spectacularly.


January 2, 2017

As I read the above, I get the sense that I was reluctant to accept the fact that I might be getting somewhere.  That after so many years of false starts and mind-numbing depression, it was almost impossible to believe that an alternative existence could occur.  ‘Hope’ was not an entity that existed for me.  I had long since given up believing that good would come my way.  The development of the habit where I believed I did not deserve, happened so long ago.  I had cultivated that thought from the time I was a small child of five.  I might not have been able to state that back then, but the belief was as real to me as the glasses I wore on my face.

Any change for me is difficult to accept, whether it be positive or negative.  I struggle to maintain the reality I presently exist in, for fear the change that will inevitably transpire will be worse than the reality that encompasses me now.  So I kick, and scream, and pull out my hair until I am forced to adapt to the actuality that greets me. But I am learning that moving forward, or for that matter, any direction but backwards from where I am now is progress because it is a chance to change myself and my settings.  Change is not necessarily good or bad.  It is just change.  Whether I progress forward from it or not depends on the decisions I make as it approaches.


Happy New Year!  With the advent of the New Year, I must return to my place of employment.  As it is a demanding occupation, I will only be able to write in my blog once weekly.  I would like to write in it every day, but presently that is not possible.  Please continue to read, knowing that the frequency with which I write will be slightly diminished.  Thank you for reading, and I wish you all the very best the New Year has to offer!



2 thoughts on “Progress?

  1. It is interesting to read how your emotions/fears/thoughts manifest themselves so strongly in your physical self! It is also inspiring and heartwarming to read how far you have come in your journey. I have so much hope for you.


    1. Hi PR,
      I don’t think I ever realized the connection you have uncovered regarding my emotions, fears, thoughts, and my physical self. That is extremely observant of you, and I appreciate you making myself aware of it!


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