Journal Entry January 17, 2013
Feeling very black. That old compressed feeling where the ceiling seems to be forcing my head into my neck hung about me today. I couldn’t even lift my eyebrows under the apparent weight of this burdensome pressure. Moving though my groups was like slogging through a bog. Assertion. Self-love. Resiliency. Anger. What are they teaching me, and why is it so difficult to learn these lessons? And who are these people that are going along for the ride with me? Where have they come from and what do they want? And why should it matter to me? Because it does matter. They and their behaviours affect me and impact on my reality.
Today S dismantled our morning group again. The group was about unhealthy thoughts, and her negative interjections wrecked any chance for the rest of us to benefit from our guest leader’s expertise. The key to the lesson was in the group activity at the end, which we didn’t even get to engage in because S demanded so much time and attention. Just ruminating about her behaviour makes my insides boil because I am at a point where I know I need to learn how to live another way. I won’t make it much longer on the path I have trodden for all these years; a path riddled with gaping holes that threaten to swallow me whole and deposit me into a bottomless void. I NEED to escape myself, and the only way I can achieve this goal is to change all that I know. To change all that I am. And I need help to do this. I am on my knees grovelling for an assistance I never dreamed I would ask for. And my receiving it is threatened by the actions of one girl who herself is lost and suffering. A girl not unlike me, but one who is on a different leg of her journey. A leg I know all too well. A leg I have no interest in travelling anymore.
January 15, 2017
I am left wondering how many times I have been the ‘S’ in some other girl’s journey to recovery. Caught up in my own self-hate and destructive ways, oblivious to those around me and how my actions affect their realities, as well as my own. Because we are all interrelated in some way in the every day comings and goings that make up life as I know it. What I do, no matter how much I intend it only to affect myself, will touch other people around me, too. Both those whom I know, and those who I don’t know. That can be a scary thought. But it can also be an incredibly empowering one. I have the ability to make a positive impact on the world in ways that can be great, or little. It is within my power to be a force of good, pure light to people and animals. I have only to choose a thought, and couple it with a course of action that can be beneficial to all that it touches. This is the leg of the journey I now traverse. May it be long, and intermingled with many others like it.