January 26, 2013
Fighting not lying down in the middle of the day today…Saturday. The day seems endless. It is creeping by and I am dragging myself behind it. Exhaustion saturates my being like a mop sitting in a bucket of hot, sudsy water. Even the prospect of writing in this journal created a sense of fatigue that made it difficult to put pen to paper.
There is a veritable mountain of chores that I refuse to acknowledge that need to be attended to. I must vacuum upstairs, downstairs, and in the severely cluttered area I loosely deem my basement. It is a glorified storeroom of copious amounts of junk that I am seemingly unable to part with. I have had to carve four pathways through the precariously piled boxes in order to access the four corners of the room. Disgusting. Along with all my other personal defects, must I add ‘hoarder’ to the list? Just entering the basement leaves me weary, let alone climbing about it to locate an item that has been missing since the turn of the century!
After doing that, there is all the dusting to attend to, and washing the dirt encrusted surface that once was my hardwood floor. And my never-ending battle with the perpetual clutter that plagues my tiny abode is always a reality to contend with. Not to mention the Christmas Tree. It STILL graces the corner of my living room over one month since it was initially assembled. How can I stand living in such a disheveled environment? Because I don’t deserve to live in one otherwise. Wait. That is a negative thought. I need to counter it by thinking of a positive one. The kitchen and the bathrooms seem to be the only rooms that I am able to keep clean. At least I manage to do that. Yay, me!
Hey…that comment reminds me that Dr. F told me to focus on the positive aspects of my life, and not to ruminate on the negative ones. So lets see. I got dressed today. Check. That is cause for celebration in and of itself! I took care of the bunnies. Check. I went through some books and picked out some games and activities F and I can do on Monday. Check. And that’s about it. The rest of the day yawns before me, and I long to yawn on my comfy couch! But maybe it’s OK to take short naps in between activities. Now is that Depression rearing its deformed and maladjusted head, or does that action make sense as a reward for doing an activity? Perhaps it is just fine, as long as the nap is short and I do another task once the nap is over.
Other than napping, the only other impulse that registers with me is eating. Blast! Of all things. Why must hunger plague me at this time? This is one aspect about being at home that is not good. The fridge is too convenient! Maybe an apple is all right to munch on. I think I’ll take a break, sit on the couch, munch on an apple, regroup, and carry on from there. And if by chance I have a nap, I will be sure to get up and be active afterwards!
April 14, 2017
I look back now and I can see the insidious presence of Depression, licking like flames at the fragile structure I had built during my time in the program. It is not difficult to imagine how sneaky Depression is, and how painfully unwitting I was to its ever present stance in my life. Napping is one of the signs I need to watch for. It triggers the alarm to sound that all is not well in my world.
My recovery has been an infinitely slow and often tedious process, fraught with multiple dangers along the way that have completely derailed my success. Succumbing to Depression’s power has on numerous occasions occurred so gradually that I was completely unaware of it until it held me firmly in its grasp. At this time, all hope seems lost as I struggle to salvage some part of my soul that has not already been devoured.
I wish I could expound a theory on how to beat depression and keep it at bay until the end of time. I guess though, like everyone else, my journey is unique to my own experience. I do know, however, that it is possible to move beyond it, and out of its omnipotent shadow. I need to work each day on finding what is precious and taking the time to marvel at it. Whether it be drinking in the glorious view of the mountains that stretch before me when I am driving on my way to work each morning, or in the comforting feeling of having my little doggie and kitty’s warm bodies against my own when we snuggle together at night. When I can appreciate these pleasurable sensations in real time each day, Depression can no longer find me in its iron grip.
Will depression ever be excised from my life altogether? Of this I do not know. I can, however, tolerate its presence in the dark recesses of my psyche, as long as I live for the moment I am in. Depression feeds on past regrets and future fears. When I solidly position myself in the ‘now’, I have nothing to do but feel grateful for all that I have. For all that I am.