February 6, 2013
Another sleepless night for me. I am weary today, but I am afraid to take a nap in case I don’t sleep tonight. I haven’t followed my schedule today, or for that matter, in several days, as I lay in bed for a long time willing myself to get out of bed. Getting up each morning is still so hard. I don’t hate the day the minute I wake up anymore, but I just don’t seem to want to get going. I guess I am still hiding out from the world.
I have made some good strides forward. Dr. F is amazed at the big leap I have taken. But I fear that this supposed progress is only temporary. I hope I am not falling back. I couldn’t take that. Being on my own is difficult, as I no longer have an enforced set of activities I am required to complete. I am my own boss. This is a role I am not comfortable taking. More truthfully, this is a role I have not a clue how to adopt and take on for myself. How can I not know how to manage me? How is it that I have never learned this basic survival technique? It is unfathomable how I could have gotten so far into my life without grasping this simple premise. And yet here I am. Blindly making a muck out of experience after experience. Terrified to step out on my own.
How do other people manage themselves? Why is it that I have never thought about this crucial piece of reality until now? What a simple concept, and yet it is one I don’t understand. I have been ill so much in my life. Hospitalization after hospitalization, to the point of sometimes becoming institutionalized due to the length of my stays. I think of all the help I have received and the care that has been given me. I have required this attention because of my illnesses, but at what cost? Is it any wonder that I have difficulties standing on my own two feet? Couple that with the fact that my family sees me as being fragile and unable to cope. They have tried to protect me from what? Myself? The world that surrounds me? Whatever the answer I am left lost and alone. Feeling unprepared and unable to face each day as it greets me.
OK. My heart is pounding, my chest feels constricted, and I have a nauseous feeling in my gut. These physical signs are telling me that I am panic spiralling. Never a good thing. I must do some breathing exercises and focus on the moment of now.
I look at my luscious plants. They are so beautiful and green. Such a variety of different shades of colour. It’s quite remarkable and spectacular at the same time. Like me, they love the sun! Basking in it each day brings me warmth and satisfaction. A comfortable feeling of contentment creeps in as I feel the subtle warmth of the rays on my arms and hands. This morning it was cloudy. A greyness permeated the sky that suggested snow was on the way. But now it is delightfully sunny with a slight haze in the sky. It is like the clouds from this morning haven’t completely burned off. I look up into the depths above me and marvel at its perfection. With all of its different moods, the sky remains constant. Something I can count on seeing each day and night. If only I could learn to count on myself, then I, too, would be able to take care of me and face each day with dignity.
May 27, 2017
I like most mornings, now. I arise very early and then relax into my day by luxuriating in the downy folds of my cotton bedding while repeating my positive mantras at a lazy pace. I am then able to eat breakfast, and although I cannot say I enjoy it particularly, I like the idea that I am feeding my brain and my body for whatever comes my way.
There are still days when I struggle to get out of bed, dreading what awaits me. During those times, I strive to think of what I have to be grateful for, and I do my daily affirmations with a blind fervour, trying to occupy my mind with positivity, as opposed to focusing on what is negative. This can be a challenging activity because for so many years my brain has been bent in the direction of negativity that I naturally navigate towards it. But the more work I do establishing new positive neurological connections within myself, the better able I am to reach and remain on the bright side of that spectrum.
Now the grand question is whether I have learned how to take care of myself. Anorexia has shattered what little self-esteem I possessed before its onset, so many decades ago. It has not been built up significantly to date, despite my concerted efforts in this area. And I remain rail thin, which would indicate that my ability to care for my basic need of sustenance is one that is sketchy at best. But I AM functioning in the real world. I have maintained a career for several years, and although I would like to have a partner, I live somewhat successfully on my own with my dear doggy and kitty.
True happiness still eludes me, as countless years of self hate have taken their toll, and the ability to be kind to myself is grossly impeded by my inner critic. But I have learned to accept most days as they come, and to do my best to focus on the moments that occur, in real time, regardless of whether they are moments to remember, or ones to forget. I hold onto the belief that with continued hard work on myself as a person, I WILL find total peace, and even true happiness. In the meantime, I welcome contentment as my companion as I face the days that come before me.