February 14, 2013
I had the loveliest surprise on Valentine’s Day! N popped by. I had made him chocolates, but I didn’t know when I would get them to him due to the nature of our circumstances. But sure enough, his familiar knock echoed through my living room in the evening and there he was! He came in for tea and I could tell he was pleasantly pleased with the candy. We dove into another one of our fantastic conversations and entertained ourselves accordingly for quite some time. Then, out of the blue he announced that he wanted to treat me to a new haircut and a colour! I was totally taken aback, as he had never given me a gift before. What a lovely gesture! And so unexpected. My next thought was that my hair must look pretty darn dreadful for him to warrant such an offer! Hah! When I asked him what his motivation was for making such a suggestion, he simply said he had noticed how hard I have been working on putting my life back in order, and he wanted to honour my efforts.
At that moment I don’t think I knew what to think or feel! My eyes welled up with tears of happiness because I was touched by his kindness, but I was embarrassed as well that I should be in a position where I NEEDED to gather the shards of my existence together and put them in some semblance of order to resemble “normal life.” I could feel my face begin to redden in anger that he would assume I would need such a gift because I was unable to provide for myself in this matter. But I also felt sadness because a simple gift exchange such as this was an occurrence that rarely happened in my life because I no longer had many friends. Anorexia had ruthlessly taken care of that years ago. Then the sad feeling was chased out by the frustration I experienced because I really DID need his help on many occasions. Whether it be to open a jar I was not strong enough to crack the seal on, or to listen to me talk and to provide feedback when I felt completely alone in the world, N has been here to help me through. Albeit on his own schedule, but he does have an uncanny talent for appearing just when I need him most. And I am always so ill-prepared to return a favour to him. Shame on me for not being a reciprocating friend.
I wasn’t sure whether I should laugh, or cry, or yell, but I could feel something untoward building in my chest. It started as a ball of fire that began to swirl upwards into my esophagus. Its heat grew in intensity as it rose until it felt like my throat was being burned by acid. The fire caught my tongue and I could feel my eyes begin to water. Sensing my inner turmoil, N moved closer to me in concern. He placed his big, strong hand on my shoulder and he leaned forward towards me. I had no idea what I was going to say to him because of all my conflicting emotions, but I knew I was going to say something. Just as the heat threatened to blow off the top of my head, I opened my mouth to speak and…I burped! Loudly! Of all of the responses to his generosity that I could have elicited at that moment, that one had to be the least anticipated! The air was deadly quiet, as my eyes flew open in horror at my faux pas. I heard the steady, ‘Tick, tick, tick’ of my living room clock, and then…we both erupted in peals of laughter! “Dear me,” he finally said in his soft accented speech, and I showered him with a jumbled up combination of apologies and thank you’s until we both settled back down.
It was so great to see him on Valentine’s Day! It is super to see him on ANY day, but today was special. He is a dear man. I care about him deeply, but I can do nothing more that that because of the impossible situation.
N confirmed again tonight that we would do my yard in the spring. I really look forward to that. I’m sure it will be hard work, but I love being outside. I also really like physical labour. There is something really satisfying about working with the dirt. The land that I live on. The land that I cherish. My little piece of utopia. My heaven on earth.
July 18, 2017
What a funny memory for me! Laughing with a good friend is one of my favourite pastimes. I have come to appreciate how both laughter and friendships are priceless commodities that must never be taken for granted. They both provide great joy, and they need to be valued in kind.
Being the best friend I can be brings me tremendous happiness, as well. To me, friendships are living, breathing entities that require nurturing and attention at all times. I know, however, that they are well worth the effort and the time I invest in them. The give and take between friends is a natural phenomenon and not something where a score needs to be kept to ensure each partner is giving the same amount as the other. When the connection is true, balance ensues. As the years roll along, I find I have fewer friends than I did when I was younger. But the ones that I do have, are rare finds that I treasure with all of my heart.