March 1, 2013
Yesterday was a weird day. Shades of my most recent past. I awoke from a long sleep feeling exhausted. I had my breakfast and felt too tired to journal, so I went back to bed and simply lay there until I had to go tutor H at 4:00 pm. I kept asking myself, “Is Depression winning, or am I just extremely tired?” I dreaded going to work, but I diligently got out of bed and prepared myself. Once I got to H’s and was a part of their warm environment, I became full of energy and ready to light fires with my writing! We spent two hours together and I worked very hard.
I don’t think I would have made it to H’s if I didn’t have the Present Practice technique I learned in the Program. I focused on each moment as I was getting ready, so as not to continue dwelling on questions I have no answers for. From getting out of bed, to putting on my socks, to brushing my teeth and beyond, I thought about each action as I was performing it. I was acutely aware of textures, tastes, and the sensations of the different materials that touched my body as I went through my routine. Doing this kept me in the present…in real time. I couldn’t fortune tell my future because my future doesn’t exist in the here and now.
That course I took at the Rocky sure was excellent. I am so grateful I was able to do it. Grateful to Dr. F for referring me and getting me into the program. Grateful to D for giving me a break, and grateful for having the time to invest to do it in. I wonder about the other course? The really expensive one. Would I benefit as much from it? Is it worth the money? Am I worth the money? They say I am Bi-polar. I am finally being medicated for it. Do I really want to do the Borderline Personality Disorder course because, as Dr. R says, there MAY be elements of it I MIGHT find useful? I think it will just confuse me further. On the other hand, I don’t want to drop into another low and be scraping the bottom of the pit yet again, not being able to pull myself out of it because I lack the tools. But I DO have the tools and the handouts from the Rocky course. I read pieces of these articles and try to practice some of the different exercises I have learned every day. That’s got to count for something.
I am still leery about the way depression has been skirting my existence a couple of days in the past week. PLEASE don’t come back. I can’t bare a repeat performance of the past ugliness that has shrouded my being in a suffocating blanket of sadness and woe.
NO. I am in charge here. Depression is no longer an option. I gain nothing from it, therefore it has no purpose in my life. I say to it, “No more! You are not welcome! Go and camp somewhere else! You are not getting any action over here anymore!” Now…to believe it. Or to say it over and over and over again until I DO believe it. And to make a picture in my mind of me sending Depression away. Yes! That will be my plan. Affirmations and visualizations. That is how I will oppose the seething mass of blackness that threatens to envelope me at every turn I take.
September 25, 2017
Again, I sense the duality of my life and the two opposite poles stretching me to my limits. The desire to rise above and defeat depression is as real as the fear that it will come back and terrorize me once again. It’s as if I was playing tennis with myself. Optimism lobs a ball over the net, and Depression slams it right back. Only in this game, there is no love.
At present, the game of tennis that is played on the court in my mind is being won by an optimistic hand. There are still some volleys that are returned by my negative self, but positivity has served countless balls over the net that the other side has been unable to send back over. Those balls lay scattered about on the other side of the net, like the debris that litters the ground around an overflowing and rank garbage can. Nameless balls of no return. And on the opposite side lies a pristinely clear court that welcomes play to begin. To be at this stage in the game is a remarkable victory indeed!