February 25, 2013
I am very hungry. There. I said it. I listened to my body and acknowledged the sensations that I am experiencing. Hunger. How I vehemently dislike that feeling, and that word. It has been a long time since I had the rumbling, hollow emptiness that signals the need to eat. Or more correctly, the desire to eat. When I habitually starve myself, or rather restrict my eating significantly, which is my modus operandi, the sensation of hunger dissipates until it disappears completely. For a time, there is a numb feeling that permeates the stomach cavity, but eventually that goes away as well, and there is no longer any evidence of feeling that is associated with hunger at all. It is quite delightful really. Once my brain has been trained to ignore the sensation of hunger, I no longer require set times to eat. Nor do I fixate and salivate over special foods that at one time tickled my taste buds and satisfied my ‘need’ to eat them once they were devoured. There is simply a nothingness that my subconscious accepts as my regular state. When I do eat, I only allow myself certain ‘set’ foods that I have allocated as safe to consume. My diet is made up of the same few food items eaten regularly, day after day. That way I know exactly what I am putting into my body, and then my weight doesn’t change. But ever since the end of the Program, I have been eating more…and more often. When I start eating more, I start wanting more food to eat, and then I begin to get hungry, and consequently I eat more. It’s a vicious cycle. So what do I do now? Give in and eat, or abstain and suffer the pangs of hunger? Why am I even having this thought? The obvious answer for me is to refrain from eating until the absence of the sensation of hunger returns. The Program is tricking me into believing that I deserve to eat whatever I want to eat, whereas I know I can only eat what I have deemed alright to eat.
Really wanting to lay down right now, but it is only 5:07 PM. I still haven’t cleaned the main floor, or taken down the Christmas Tree. That is pathetic. An entire month has passed since Christmas, and my Christmas tree and decorations are still up. There is so much to do, and all I want to do is to go to bed. I don’t think that is a very good sign.
I have (in a few hours), survived my first entire weekend since the end of the Program on Tuesday. A couple more days and I will have a whole week of successful living under my belt. I think I have made it thus far thanks to my regimented schedule, my big, blue binder full of strategies for when I begin to struggle, and for the opportunities I have had to go for coffee…by MYSELF…Hah!…and for lunch. I am trying to pack in activities to fill up my day with. The busier I can be the less time I have to ruminate on my failures, and the lack of prospects I have for my immediate future. Hmmm. Perhaps that’s what it’s all about. It’s not about the Hokey Pokey after all! Hah! Fill up my day and the meaning will come later. I’m looking for the meaning and not doing anything. Sitting in the doldrums and being as active as a sloth may not be the best use of my time when looking for purpose in my life. Maybe it is time to try a new tactic. Fill the day up and let the meaning come afterwards. OK. I’m challenging myself to do this very thing. And ‘filling the day up’ can mean with cleaning chores part of the time, too. I HAVE to get my place presentable again. It has been over a year since I did anything with it. I don’t even remember the original colour of the hardwood, as it has been a grey, gritty mess peppered with mammoth dust bunnies for so long. How shameful is that? To punish the Hungry Self by living in filth and denying it the comfort and cleanliness of a well cared for home? No. I learned in the Program that I am worthy of a clean and respectable place to live. Now I just have to get off my butt and actually do some cleaning to bring about a new reality. And I WILL do it…if only the couch wouldn’t continue to call to me to cuddle up and slumber peacefully on it.
March 26, 2017
That was a mish-mashed piece of journal writing if ever there was one! I can sense a growing panic about the mounting hunger that penetrated my body at the time. With that hunger and subsequent eating would come the inevitable weight gain of which I dreaded…and still do. So much of what I described about the controlled way in which I ate back then, is still present today. I indulge in the same practices regarding how and what I eat. The non-existent ‘feeling’ that accompanies the absence of eating is still my constant companion. An old friend that keeps me from enjoying the social aspect of eating. An old friend that keeps me from enjoying ANY aspect of eating, But that is the price I pay to continue being small. A lifelong goal that still doesn’t make any sense to me. Why small? Why not big? What do I gain by remaining petite? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that the secret to getting and staying thin is not so much in what and how much you eat, or how much you exercise, but in how you think, or actually do NOT think about food. Once my brain is trained not to register hunger, I refrain from thinking about food and I cease to be hungry. I continue to live in this way, and I guess it is fine, because I rarely think about food anymore. In fact, I have dismissed it and consider it to be a nonentity in my life. But for a thing of no importance, it is interesting to me how much time and energy I spend obsessing about the topic, as has been evidenced in both of these journal entries.
Being active is an excellent thing. Having activities to do is an enjoyable way to pass the time. I don’t think, however, that filling my day in such a way is how I will find meaning in it. That comes from appreciating the moments in my life. Both the wonderful ones that I will treasure, and the difficult ones that afford me the lessons I am required to learn. These snippets of time provide what I need to possess a peace of mind, and a love of self. I see this collection of poignant bits as a lifelong process. I cannot say that I have achieved either a calm and mindful state, or self-love at this time. But I do my best to be aware of the many meaningful moments in my life that shape who I am today.