March 6, 2013
Well, I did absolutely nothing yesterday, and yet the day was full. I don’t know where the time went. When I say, “nothing”, I mean nothing I had planned to do. No vacuuming, no computer work searching for a job. I did my journaling and self-help work. I did yoga for the first time. I talked to M on the phone. I took P in to have a teeth float. I met up with dear S for dinner, and then later a nighttime tea at Starbucks. I got home at 11 PM, and it was too late to even think of vacuuming. Instead, I glued F’s hair barrette again. The one that we made during our craft time together last Friday.
My heart is pumping blood at a furious rate. I can feel it right through my housecoat. Am I anxious because I didn’t go on the computer yesterday after announcing to one and all that that was my goal? I realized yesterday AGAIN how afraid I am of failing. Perhaps it wasn’t so much a realization as it was a pristine moment of clarity where I was slapped in the face with my own reality. It’s one thing to SAY I am afraid of failing. It is another thing altogether to FEEL it soaking through my bones, drenching me from head to toe with suffocating completeness. I also became aware of the fact that I have no confidence. That seems like a rather redundant statement to make after living a life with the absence of self-esteem. But somehow this new understanding of my lack of confidence is profoundly disturbing. What do I do to regain it? Or if it was never there in the first place, how do I develop something I’ve never seen or felt before? ‘Fake it ’till you make it’ cannot apply in this circumstance because I have no understanding or innate sensibility of what it is that I must fake. What IS confidence? I know some people are born with it, and others are not so lucky. Can I truly gain something; an entity I have no previous or background knowledge of; and propel myself forward with it in tact, as I motor down the freeway of success?
Success. It is a beautiful concept, and one that has been absent in all aspects of my life. I guess that statement is not exactly true. A few instances do come to mind: being awarded ‘Most Improved’ ball player at the end of my first year playing baseball in a league, to being named ‘MVP of the Year’ in the same league, in my third and final year of play; moving to LA a few months shy of the ten year deadline I had set for myself to land there; and graduating ‘With Distinction’ in the two University degrees I completed in four years time. But that is about it. Oh wait…I should include being my high school Class President and Valedictorian in Grade 12; and giving the Invocation at my University graduation in the spring of 2008. I should be proud of these achievements, but instead I am achingly aware of what a pathetically short list of accomplishments that is for someone who has been wandering the planet for 47 years. Blundering and plodding along, blindly and continually stepping into great potholes in the road, and falling several decades into pits of despair. No sidestepping for me. No circuitous routes. Straight down the line, over monstrous mountains and through unfathomably deep valleys. Why do I feel like taking a short cut is a ‘bad’ thing? That strategizing and avoiding definite road blocks and bumps along the line instead of tackling whatever comes my way is shirking my responsibilities. In other words, my attitude is, “Take it as it comes…EXACTLY as it comes.” It is not acceptable to avoid any grievances that may come up. I must face whatever confronts me, and confront IT! It is cowardly to turn my head and look for another option. I must persevere through each trial, growing stronger with every obstacle cleared. What a load of hogwash! Since when is looking for alternative methods of action or responses a negative experience? Where does it state that tribulations can only be met as they are presented, head on? Who said that only adversity makes me grow? My whole belief system needs to be dismantled and retired. Or abandoned altogether, and thrown into the round file. I’ve got to start all over and develop a new scheme with which to live by. But how do I do that? Where do I begin, and with what do I begin with? Which takes me right back to my original question: How do I develop something I’ve never seen or felt before?
Maybe all of this thinking is meaningless. Perhaps it is just a matter of doing. To greet each day and do the best I can with what I’ve got, each moment as it comes. I could recognize each minute success I achieve, and celebrate these moments as they arrive. For instance, congratulations me for steadfastly making the time to write in this journal. Good on me for completing the rewriting of my notes from the courses in the hospital program into my Big Blue Binder. Way to go for establishing a cleaning schedule, and then making a concerted effort to stick to it each day. Kudos to me for pulling myself up off of the putrified floor of Depression, and struggling to find meaning and purpose in a life that has been devoid of these properties for multiple decades. Wow! What a change in mindset THAT was. Was that really ME speaking? What a foreign way to think. This may not be permanent, but I will say, “Thank you”, Universe, for suddenly opening the windows of my mind to acknowledge these realizations in real time. May this type of thinking be the substratum with which I construct my new belief system on.
January 14, 2018
As I reread this journal entry, a flicker of hope flashes through my brain. Five years ago, for an instance, I got a glimpse of what the other side might look like. It came out of nowhere, a surprise of the sweetest kind. An opportunity to view an alternate way of thinking, of being, that no matter how brief, did flare into existence.
I continue to compose my ‘new’ belief system to this day. Sometimes I experience days when a positive truth gleams forth, and a new brick of enlightenment can be placed to reinforce the others around it. At other times, I am beset with insecurity and I feel like the fabrication of my foundation is crumbling all around me. In moments of weakness, I worry that the distance I have travelled from then until now is minimal. In moments of strength, I don’t compare. I am content in the knowledge that I am in the spot intended for me at this particular time in my history, and that my building, as it stands, is one that I can love and be proud of.